Friday, December 4, 2009

Home life..

My life so far has revolved around sleeping, eating, facebooking, blogging and rotting away in front of the TV. Hell YEAH.

Something quite liberating of course, after the horror of horrors that is AUSMAT. I can tell you that.

Just me, a bag of chips, and sweet, sinful, debauchery! MUAHAHAHA....
(well, not exactly.. but still.. just let me have my rockstar moment will ya.. ^^)

In a nutshell—i’ve been unproductive and lazy and I’m LOVIN it. What i don’t love is me being nagged and treated just like a kid again. Because you can’t have free home-cooked food, clean laundry, Astro and fabulous internet connection without a CATCH. Because there’ll always be a catch.

And the catch for me is—I’ll be reduced to a spoiled little kid again in the eyes of my parents. Always being asked what time I slept last night, what time I woke up this morning, what did I do today... And if i slept late—here comes the melodious music that is my dad’s sweet, beautiful’s all very.. VERY ,a teensy wincy bit annoying.

I guess it’s something hard to adjust to. It’s been a long one and a half years since i’ve been truly nagged or lectured. Living in BU has certainly made me closer to my parents—as in appreciating what they sacrificed for me and their constant support during the hard times. Jeez.. absence does make the heart grow fonder.

But living at home makes one a little claustrophobic. I feel stuffy, i feel watched—monitored. The catch is i lose my freedom. The catch is me having a VIP front seat to my parents’ “musical recital” which revolve around central themes such as me having bad living habits, me being unproductive, me being... and so on and so forth.. Nod Nadon, NOD.

Oh dangit.
Well, i guess you can’t have everything... Just enjoy the bag of chips and CSI: NY you fat, lazy woman.. Haha. I just feel that i’ve been so tense for soooo long. I’ve been stressed and i worked my ass off and i worried and worried and worried and yes, i believe i deserve to let myself transform into a lazy whale.. At least just for a few weeks. Cut me some slack people.

I remember when i was in my teens, i almost always had fights with my father. Let’s just say my mouth “takdak insurance”. Haha. Maybe it’s because my father and i are so alike. We both have huge egos, we both don’t want to back down, we both believe strongly in whatever we believe in. We’re both childish.

Looking back, i wouldn’t change a thing. Because i still feel that every “kurang ajar” thing i said was true. I just said what everybody i n the room was thinking. Something that even my mom wouldn’t dare say but i said it anyway. I even got slapped once. Sometimes dad and i wouldn’t talk for a few days. Awkward, but i never, ever said i was sorry. Because i felt that i did nothing wrong, i said the right thing, i stood up for what’s right. Teruk kan?

And now i realise.... i’m still right. I didn’t agree with dad’s sexist and racist remarks. Haha. But i was WRONG, wrong wrong in not having made an apology to him for my words. It’s only common courtesy.. No, actually it’s my DUTY, as a daughter to at least apologise for all the words i said that might have hurt my father.

But i don’t know how to do that. Maybe i don’t have enough maturity or charisma or whatever it is to swallow my ego and make amends to the old man. Even in Hari Raya we just salam but i never said anything.

So nowadays, I make it up to him by holding back my tongue—Even when i have the strong, irresistable urge to give him a piece of my mind. So far me and dad don’t fight as much. I just take it all in..or i’d just go into the next room before i say something i’ll regret. Maybe it’s due to my guilt for the previous years of talkbacks. Or maybe it’s me, mellowing down to accommodate my parents—or maybe it’s stupid old “maturity”.. MAYBE. I don’t know. What i know is I just don’t want to fight anymore.

Sometimes its best to keep quiet and let it be. Suan Le. Besides, being silent doesn’t mean you’ve lost the fight. It just mean you choose to not fight. Or something like that.. whatever.

So there i was, sitting in front of the TV with my fried ayamas chicken. Channel surfing and watching reruns of Friends. Lucky bastard. Then in the evening i’d watch “Everybody Loves Raymond” with my parents. I want to avoid having any arguments with them. I just want to enjoy and cherish my moments with them, because next year, god willing—IF i get to fly—i know one thing i’m gonna miss is this moment. Where all four of us in the family sit together, poke fun at each other, and just laugh at something funny on the TV.

And of course—the thing i’ll miss most is my parents’ good ‘ol nagging. :D

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Packing, folding, and moving on..

I know i should've updated my blog ages ago but... *excuses excuses excuses...* eheh. (^.^*)

I know also that i should be writing a more heartfelt or at least sentimental post to commemerate the ending of my AUSMAT course.

I know all that,
and i'll prolly do it later.
There's so many things i'd like to say to my coursemates! :) hoho.

But for now,

I just feel like writing. yaknow?

Writing something, anything-- in this moment right here right now.

I'll probably be the last person to leave this house, since now there's only me and Tati left. And her parents are coming in a few minutes..

My room's all empty excluding my pillows and laptop-- and I feel so serene i don't know why. I'm happy to be coming home and seeing my family but another part of me cries silently inside.

I'm gonna say the most obvious and hideously cliched thing about this place-- I'm going to miss it. Everything about it--

The people, OF COURSE
My bed, oh so definitely
The cats (named sexy and gorgeous) , for sure
The pak guard baik, (Ya, you know which one.. hahahahaha)
The park (ehh.. not so much)
The dog who used to stalk me, i'll always think of you
One Utama, for the food court nasi ayam
and last but not least,

KBU, just; for everything.

I couldn't have imagined the house being so quiet and EMPTY as it is now. It's all very surreal..

It's hard to believe i'm actually leaving this place; for good. Actually i still can't get over the fact that i've finished AUSMAT even. haha. Everything's just so unbelievable to me-- especially events in these last couple of days. For instance the gala night dinner, and the graduation ceremony.

They were all wonderful - but always, in both events; tinged with sadness.

Because despite the fact that THIS was the sweet release we've all been waiting for--the finish line of a long and hard-fought war/marathon--we know we're going to miss it.

Saying goodbye to AUSMAT is like saying goodbye to an old friend. A difficult, annoying, unreasonable friend; but a friend nevertheless. One which have taught us a lot-- not only about Chemistry, Physics, English, Maths, and Economics--- but also, most importantly about life.

I don't know any AUSMAT student who has't been changed or at least moved by this course.

The seniors told us it would be diffcult, but of course we didn't notice. We heard them but we never really listened, did we? We thought we could do it, but we never really knew what we were in for. Haha.

AUSMAT has made me cry so many times i lost count already. (*-.-) Hurah. Haha. I used to be a cheerful person but AUSMAT changed that--i think in some ways i become more emo and less optimistic than before. But eventually the hardships i faced in this course made me stronger, until eventually in the final leg i didn't even feel sad that i got bad marks despite the hard work.

It was really a growing up phase for me. AUSMAT made me grow up a lot--especially in terms of picking myself up and going for it all over again. Because eventually you realise there's no point in mourning over what's already happened, the best step is to dust off the dirt and start running again.

What's funny is you always hear that and you think "oh yeah, just pick myself up again. Got it". But obviously it's easier said than done. You say that, but you can never really know how you'd react unless you're experiencing it yourself. It's harder when you're the one in hot water. Really it is.

I also learned a lot about myself throughout this course; how i'd react in certain situations, what kind of learner I am, how easily agitated i am, how patient i am, how bold i am, how stupid i am.. and so many more. And for that i'm forever thankful to AUSMAT.

Despite all the tears, i wouldn't change a thing. Nope, not a single thing.

Goodbye room no. 5, goodbye house 69, goodbye AUSMAT.

I'll miss you and thanks for the spank in the as$ and the push to succeed.


I'll lock the door now.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The trough period..(my week in review)

~Smooth seas don't make skillful sailors.~

Oh, the trough period. When will the boom period ever come...? ^^

I think this week has been one of those weeks which i fear most.
THREE exams and a maths assignment to hand in by the end of the week.
All three exams involve calculations (o yea!) which

a) I'm not good at, and
b) I'm good at but will always find a way to be CARELESS. haiya.

As predicted-- i messed up physics (surprise, surprise). Plus my chemistry and maths are VERY so-so. Not to mention my last topic test for econs was the worst marks i've gotten for econs so far. (and i really worked hard for econs!)

I don't know what else i can do to improve my marks. It seems that whatever i do, and no matter how hard i try the marks just won't budge. ish.

But that's ok.
Tati said it doesn't matter what the results are,
what matters is you don't give up.
I can't believe someone who likes the JONAS brothers and miley cyrus and high school musical can be so full of straightforward wisdom.
Tati's right.
i believe you, taton.
It's beautiful how the littlest things people say to you can touch your heart the most.
If only miss jenny had the same motto.
I am AFRAID of that lady. seriously.
She gives me the heebie-jeebies~~~. (o.O) ooh.
Not her fault though.

To add icing to the cake (of crappiness), I found out last night that my beloved grandma has suffered from a stroke. She was found lying on the floor of the garage- unconscious; by her maid.
Doctors said there's bleeding in her brain.

Had to transfer her from hospital to hospital because they didn't have the equipments or specialists to treat her. What the duck. This was the same thing we had to go through two years ago when my other grandma was sick. (She died last year.) Shows the true state of our health facilities in Malaysia.

I can't take having two of my grandmas die in two years! Please let this grandma live God..

So what did i do?
Lied on the bed and cried. Then prayed.
Then went to shower and cried for another hour. Then prayed again.
Realised that we as mere humans are only able to pray and hope. And TRY (to some extent.)
But the final decision is up to God.
I feel so helpless.
So human.

I guess it would be unfair to say that my week SUCKS (with a big fat capital S) entirely.

Because there were moments that i loved living.
For example EALD class.
KBU idol was fun.
a) I got to be Paula Abdul :D
b) I got to give comments that are only said to make me look smart
c) I got to say the word 'crap' many many many many times
d) Sarah was a wonderful Simon and Leong was nice-guy Randy. XD
e) Franky as Ryan Seacrest was PRICELESS
f) Atiqah was the KBU idol and i honestly believed she's better at talking than any of us on the judges' table. Gaha.
f) Everybody had a good laugh and released their stress for a while

I like the last point the most.
AUSMAT's been corroding us slowly but surely everyday. We needed a laugh.
EALD saved me, at least. It gave me reason to go to class every week.
Going to EALD class never fails to give me that little spring in my steps and a small joy in my heart.
(seriously, it's the only subject i don't suck in.)

And, at the risk of being labelled a suck-up; i'd like to thank Mr Derrick for his infamous SARCASM and dry, evil humour. It never fails to amuse me. Haha. Bodek,bodek.

So yeah, eventhough this week was generally suck-acious (yep, it's a WORD. Wait, no it ain't) I'm counting my blessings and just trying to move on-- getting through this week as best i can. Just trying to keep on running until i'll finally finish this god-forsaken marathon called AUSMAT.

No matter what, i'm gonna get there. I'd crawl all the way if i have to. I'd drag myself with my own two fingers if the situation arises. I'll crawl with my tongue if i have to (beautiful image, i know). I'll never stop running until i'm done with this thing.

Bring it MOCK EXAMS!
Bring it!
Give it to me!

~The lesson is in the struggle, not in the victory.~

PS- all the best to my friends, classmates, and also those who i don't know but pretend to know. ^^ G'luck.

PPS- Please pray for my grandma..

Friday, August 21, 2009

Do It Anyways..

I want so badly to be able to do this right now..Damn you ausmat. Damn you.

~A wise advice from Mother Teresa~

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis
it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.

I should remember this more often..

PS- speech? Certainly not my best . Essay? suffered from vertigo while doing it. (no seriously, apparently it runs in the family.)
Aiyo mama..

Do it anyways...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

What is it that makes it so hard for us to talk to each other?

My mother is the epitome of an amazing talker. I'm not exagerating~ It's true. Everytime we go to social events, i'd be amazed by just how easy it is for her to talk to almost anybody that passes her way. Even complete strangers. Even complete jerks. Even old grannies. Even little 5-year-old children. Of all the things i'm proud to say of my mother, i'd be proudest to say that she is a talented conversationist.

I, on the other hand, am the epitome of a horrible talker. I'm not exagerrating~ It's true. (Just when you thought you'd had enough of my self-deprecation. Here's ANOTHER one.)
I can't stand going to social events because, well, maybe I'm just antisocial.
That's a lame excuse; and i know it's not a true excuse. The real reason is, of course, it's just hard for me to talk to people. And i have no idea why.

Seeing me in conversations is like watching a wolf being skinned alive in slow-motion. Oh the humanity..! Oh, the blood-curdling awkwardness..!
Oh, the scattering of my brain on the ceiling...

(that's why during social events i'd just really eat a lot; so as to avoid embarrassing myself in conversations with people. That way, when people start talking to me; i'd just stuff my face and nod in agreement to whatever they're saying. Easy. Simple. Painless. Just run to the buffet table when things get awkward! (*.*))

Alright, enough of selfish me, me, me...

So, yesterday Derrick asked us to write on "What is it that makes it so hard for us to talk to each other?" i'm quite clueless to be honest.

Well, not exactly. Of course i can easily say that it's because of the generation gap, or people's own mentality, or their sorroundings.. or any other logical and politically-correct reasons that can earn me some delicious marks in an essay.

But truth is; sometimes we just don't feel like talking to certain people. It's not because we think we're better than them, or because of our past--

Sometimes.. some people just give us this certain kind of aura..
So.. my reason for what makes it hard for us to talk to each other is the aura. The aura we get from the person we're talking to or are about to talk to-- determines our willingness to converse with them. Well at least that's the main reason.. Yes i do believe so.

Sometimes I find it so easy to talk to certain people; however with other homo sapiens-- i'm speechless and clueless on what to talk about with them. It's all in the aura..

In no way do I look down on those i can't seem to talk to-- it's just that; maybe i don't know where to begin or how to act in front of them. These insecurities are the chains that hold us back from having a great conversation with certain people.

Some might say that the language barrier prevents us from talking to each other; but this is contradicted by Mr Shi and Madam in "A Thousand Years Of Good Prayers". It is obvious their command of English is far from perfect, but because they feed off the good aura they get from each other, they are able to talk affably with one another as if they've been friends for years.
This contrasts starkly with Mr Shi's relationship with his own daughter; they have such bad aura between them, that it's a struggle to even have a good conversation with each other.

How ironic and sad.

To make my post sound more academic,(*-*), i'm forced to generically say that our past relationship with that person hinders us from talking to them. Yunli could not seem to get over the fact that her father never really talked to her during her childhood-- so when he started talking to her-- she somehow takes revenge on him for all the years of his emotional neglect.

Maybe the father deserved it. Maybe he didn't; but Yunli's silence speaks volumes on how she feels about her father's past treatment of her. It's hard for Yunli to forgive her father's mistakes; as it is hard for her to open her mouth and just talk to him. She has not forgiven him. Not yet, not even after 12 years.

Another (generic!) reason would be the fact that our culture prevents us from expressing our feelings and talking openly with certain people. Yunli's Chinese culture does not put good light on women who talk so freely in front of men. As her father said, "a good woman should not ask such direct questions". Therefore, maybe when her father comes into her life so suddenly after 12 years-- Yunli feels awkward to face her father. Her father represents her own Chinese culture; one which she has long forgotten and neglected after living in the US for so long. She does not know how to react to him; or the chinese culture he represents.

So kids, talk to your parents.

The end.

(I aknowledge how obvious it is that i got lazy and couldn't come up with a more meaningful conclusion. Hurah. Besides, i hate academic writing. It's pompous and pretentious and well i just find it a little boring. Haha, *whine, whine, whine...***)


Oh, and the idea of an "emotional wall".

I believe that sometimes we put up walls around us to find out who'd care enough to break them down. The only way to break the silence and "emotional wall", is through being fearless and by discarding all our insecurities. WE ourselves have to gather enough courage. Courage and self-confidence, enough to break down our own walls and climb another person's.
(Easier said than done though).

How I admire those who seem to be able to talk freely with anybody. It shows that they have courage-- they are not afraid of getting hurt-- they're not afraid of falling from the climb.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Happy Anniversary~

I just found out that today is my parents' 20th anniversary as a married couple..

Uhm, ok.
i just ran out of ideas.

Well that was quick... (*-_-)

Actually I was meaning to write a nice, warm, fuzzy, heartfelt post as a dedication to my parents. But i don't know where to start.
Or even HOW to start.

O_0 errrhhm.

I guess i'll start by saying that they're wonderful parents. (Haha.. not original, but TRUE. to a certain extent. eheh.) For 19 years they had to put up with a stubborn, annoying daughter, and still didn't regret producing her-- so that's an achievement in itself! Walaweh..


I think my parents taught me a lot about marriage. Just by the things they do and the things they didn't do. Some by the things they say- spontaneously and (most of the times) subconciously..

For instance~

Case 1

(After a six-hour drive back to kampung last year.)

Dad: If only you had your driver's license. I'd let you drive when i'm tired.

Me: Why don't you just let mum drive? She always offers but you never accept.

Dad: Haha..... she doesn't know- and don't tell her ah, but i don't trust her behind the wheels. Too reckless.
But don't tell her ah.. . ^^

Me: Ha. Ha.

(Some other time)

Mom:... blablablablabla..yadayadayadayada.. besides, your father never lets me drive when we go balik kampung. He doesn't trust me..I know it. (rather matter-of-fact ly)

Me : (in my head) Ah. The beauty of this.. She always knew.

Me: Ha. Ha. And yet you always offer..

Mom: haha. And yet he's the one who always gets into accidents.

Basically it showed me that love is all about acceptance, and, well, playing dumb even when you know. (does that make sense? ) My mother knew my father didn't trust her to drive, but she wasn't offended at all. She just, accepts it. My father knows my mother drives badly, but he just, doesn't tell her..

Ah. Compromise..

Case 2:
At mom's office one day

Me : hey what are those things on the top shelf?

Mom: Flowers. Your father sent me.

Me: Wah.. all of them? But they're all dead; and scary-looking; and creepy-looking; and... i ran out of adjectives..

Mom: ...... I just feel it's such a shame to throw them away

Me: But, i can see wasps making their hives on them. (No seriously; WASPS).

Mom: .......

Actually before that i never knew dad even sent mom flowers. (BIG bouqets). I thought that was sweet. What's even sweeter is that my mom still keeps almost every single one of them in her office. I read some of the little cards on them- one for an anniversary, another for birthdays, one.. i can't remember. How quaint.

There are many other stories about them, that i think are far more interesting and heartfelt; but these are the only two that i remember right now.

Being married for 20 years.

That's not easy. I'd be lucky if I find someone who'd stick with me for 20, long years and still wants to be there for me after all my crap. Of course, i also learned from my parents that marriage is HARD WORK. A combination of patience, acceptance, and all those stuff we always hear about marriage.

To be honest, I don't even think i have enough "emotional maturity" to talk about something as beautiful as marriage. I'm not qualified to talk about what marriage is; or what it's all about. Because i don't really, fully know. Haha. I just crap about it to sound smart to you people.
Heh. So i'll just stop.

Anyways, my parents like to lecture. More specifically, they like to lecture ME. You'd think as lecturers they'd had enough of a whole day of lecturing at the university huh?

But NOooo.... Of course they saved some for me at home.

They lecture me about almost everything and anything-- and most of the time i put on my "listening face".
But of course i'm not listening.
At the end of the day, what gets their message across to me are the things they do or stuff they say out of whim.

Those are the little things from them that have always impacted me in big and profound ways. And i don't think they even know. (Or is this just another one of their scams to teach me a lesson? Hmm.. you can never trust parents.)

Anyways, i'd just like to say:
THANK YOU, to my parents.

For staying together,
For having patience
For showing me that true love exists
For trying to make me a better person ( I know it's a tough job)
For not having me up for adoption (HAHA lame.)
For giving me a happy family life
and of course,
For simply loving each other

Ok. that's it. I spent the whole night writing this. Even I can't stand the mushiness.
Happy anniversay mom and dad!
Love you~

PS- I hope this makes up for me not posting anything on father's or mother's day.
HEH. ^(*-*)^

Sunday, June 28, 2009

To those who love - ( & yes, i admit the CHEESINESS embodied in this title.)

I don't know why, but it seems that love is in the air for a lot of my JPA peers. Ooh-la-la..


Like, seriously. The romancing mood is so thick in the air i could smell it from a mile away. Especially after the summer camp.. (*.*) Ehheemmm.. Maybe there was some forest pixie there who decided to cast a love spell on some of us..

Anyways, don't worry Mom, i'm not one of them. Hehe. But some of my friends are! And it's very funny to watch.. (and, ultimately, TEASE. *EVIL laugh*) And all this teasing led me to indulge in my hobby of observing, which lead me to my hobby of poem writing, which led me to my hobby of BLOGGING. Which led you readers to your hobby of not minding your own business and thus, reading this.

So here we are.

Anyways, here's a poem i wrote a long time ago.
I don't know why, but after reading it, I'm somehow reminded of the love-sick JPA scholars.
People are different when they're in love, aren't they?Ahh.. isn't love just Bee-ooo-tifuull.How it can make you so stupid, and at the same time make you so full of wisdom. (But mostly make you stupid.)
Haha. Tis the truth. (from a self-absorbed cynic's point of view.. :P)

~Some Love~

Some love come at first sight
So strong and pure and sure
Like a gust of wind on a cold winter’s night
So quick so sudden so sure

Some love come softly
Gentle and slow like falling snow
As quiet as a light melody
Tenderly, time will let love grow

Some love are never returned
Some love get lost along the way
Some love take time to learn
Some love never seem to stay

Some love cause heartbreaks
Some love mend heartaches
Some love are strong while others are weak
Some love make even the strongest men meek

Some love endear the test of time
Some love are just short-lived
Some love are used for selfish games
Some love bring tarnish to good names

Yes, some love make us powerless
Some love give us strength
Some love leave us breathless
And some love make us hopeless

Even if some love sting and injure
And some love are harmful
Even if some love don’t deliver
And most love is hurtful

Don’t forget to remember
~All love is beautiful

N. J. 2006

Not exactly my best poem. In fact, the rhyming scheme- i find very typical and nothing original. The anologies; so cliche, but what the hey?
I self-riteously think it somehow fits the vibes i'm getting lately. HehehehHEHEHehehehe.

So yeah, to my friends who are bitten by the love bug- good luck! May your love story continue as a happy one~~

From a happy observer.. (and sometimes, listener. ) ^.^

To Frankie: May you too find the true love you've been waiting for!! haha. (Juniors2!)

PS- My track record of updating blogs is ABYSMAL. I apologise-- You won't belive the number of drafts i have in my dashboard. It's just that, i never have time to finish them. Sheesh. Excuses2. Will try harder to update.