I might just get a heart attack.. ( Oh no, not an emo post.)

This week, especially, has been so taxing..

In all, i'd say i've been through a roller-coaster ride-- mentally, emotionally, physically.. & all those things in between. The documentary thing almost drove me (and my groupmates) to madness-- not because we did last minute work-- it's because of thet DARN computer that keeps getting stuck every minute. Sometimes i think i might just get a heart attack from all this worrying, and stressing and bad exam results.

I mean really, how is it that i really gave it my all; tried my darn hardest, and all i got were ridiculously disappointing marks?? I don't get it.
And then i see people who didn't really study for it get such good marks. How?? How does that even happen? I wonder at times, "Am i just stupid? Maybe i am." (Depressing, i know.. Pathetic--definitely.)

I think nowadays i suffer from mild depression. I cry in the shower sometimes--that way no one will know and they don't have to worry about me. I mean, other people have their own problems as well, and they don't have time to burden themselves with mine. It's not that my friends aren't supportive, it's just that i like to settle my own problems by myself.

Whenever i'm alone, i suddenly have the urge to cry. Sometimes when my roomie isn't home, i cry on my bed. Sometimes i don't know WHY i even cry.. It's so weird, i feel as though there's this emptiness inside of me, but it's also full of pain as well.. So hard to explain.
There are some other problems as well, but they are too personal to post it in my blog here.

I want to go home, it's been a month (or is it more?) since i've been home. Home used to be my refuge from all this stress. But at the same time i don't want to go home because it only brings pain when i see her face and i hear them whisper as if i don't l know what's going on.. (Ok, i think this is getting too personal so i'll move on..) So i don't go home, period.

But then mom calls and she says "when are you coming home sweetie pie?" and i say i have a lot of assignments to do. Which is true sometimes, but i usually just lie since i don't want to go home and tell them how i've let them down with my amazingly poor exam results. I don't want to see their dissappointed faces. It's hard for me. They're counting on me and how can i let them down??

Drawing.. owh.. what joy it is to indulge in my ultimate passion if only i have the time. I haven't been drawing sinceI don't know when. I miss having the feel of the white, empty paper on my palms, the smell of it.. the pencil; moving whichever way i want it too. No rules, no formulas- no right , no wrong. Just art. And art doesn't judge.

It's the best time for me to escape; i could draw from 8 p.m. until 4 a.m. in the morning. For all those hours, i feel that i've gone into another world; some other place where reality is but a mere afterthought. Everything is possible. Nothing is too ridiculous. Some drawings seem ugly but they are beautiful to me because i felt something when i draw them. Some drawings seem beautiful but they have other meanings known only to me... I miss drawing.

But then, if i start to draw i'm afraid i can't stop-- and that'll be another problem altogether bearing in mind those FUN assignments that i have to do.
If only those art students at KBU knew how much i ENVY them, and their huge protfolios and drawings, and "artsy" projects. I want that too...

I'm "rimas" ("restless" / "tired of" in Bahasa) of many things sometimes;
I'm rimas of the mess on my desk
I'm rimas of all my AUSMAT assignments
I'm rimas of all these exam results haunting me
I'm rimas of this constant worrying
I'm rimas of those guards who keep peeping inside our house and harassing my housemates
I'm rimas of the van driver who promised to pick us up at 12.30, but never did
I'm rimas of having to walk to college alone because i don't have a bike
I'm rimas of the mangy dog who keeps following me when i walk alone--SERIOUSLY SCARY
I'm rimas of those "cool" people who don't even realise that they're acting like baffooons, and can't even give a smile to those who smile at them..
I'm rimas of this feeling of being rimas; because it feels bitter and its not good for the soul.

I wish i was a better person. You know, one of those people who reads the *Yassin in the van, Those really strong and wise people who know exactly what they are doing.

*Yassin-- a long verse in the Quran.

But i cry in the shower. This is what i do.

And my hair is falling extensively these past few days-- it means only one thing; that i'm excessively stressed. This always happens when i'm really depressed. During SPM i had this problem for a while too..

I know i'm an ungrateful , immature old crank-- but sometimes i wish i could just escape away from all this. Sometimes when i'm drinking Milo at the cafe, i feel like i want to run away, pack my bags, hop on a train-- and just travel and be a nomad for the rest of my life. How unrealistic.

But i'm trying my best move on.

There's a quote i read somewhere that goes " It's easy to be depressed, and angry and sad. It's a brave choice to be happy".
(See i've even memorised it now, because i keep repeating it to myself so that i don't break down in the middle of the crowd). Sheesh, i wish i could get this lingering sadness off of me. It's so tiring to feel sad all the time and hide it from people. I guess writing it in this blog will ease the pain a bit somehow.

So yes. I don't want to take the easy path-- i want to take the brave path. I want to be happy; i choose to be happy. At college i'm trying to be happy; at the student house i try my best to be positive. It doesn't erase the pain, but it does make me less sad. Sometimes i still cry in the shower, but it's lesser now. I can't be negative, i must be strong for my family, for my friends, especially for myself.

I'm holding on. Trying not to crumble because this is all God's test to me.
I will try my best again, and if that fails; well at least i'd have no regrets.

~end.

Haiyah! Be strong!